Some folks have been calling my nicknames doctrine “The Patrick Doctrine,” so I herewith I repost it with a slight expansion on the points.

1. You can’t make up your own nickname.
Folks do this enough that Seinfeld spent an episode on it. In agreement with Seinfeld, we say that if one nicknames himself, he should be mercilesslly renicknamed.

2. You have to dislike it at first.
Considering point 3, you won’t like an embarrassing nickname, till you learn to laugh with those who laugh at you.

3. It has to somehow be descriptive of your person or an incident from your past.
The best kind is a nickname that commemorates an embarrassing incident.

4. Diminutives are not nicknames.
Shmitty is not a nickname for Smith; Jack is not a nickname for John; etc.

5. Jesus was the most famous nicknamer.
Consider “Peter,” “The Sons of Thunder,” “Paul,” “Abraham,” “Israel,” and Revelation 2:17.